A Bit Behind

I was informed on Wednesday 11/28 that morphologically my marrow was empty which was the goal of the last few weeks.  And once my WBCs and platelets reach normal levels, they're going to let me go home.

"Wow, Mom, That's Really Short."

Jamie's response when she saw the photo I sent her dad of me with my new "do."  Yeah, it's not my best look.  Not a whole lot I can do about it.  I've already cried about it.  It's done. It'll grow back.

Short Leashes and a Reminder Why We're Here

I was cautiously optimistic when I learned I may be able to go home as early as this Friday, depending on when my WBCs and platelets both reach "normal' levels.  As of this morning my platelets had achieved that threshold.  I may breach the same for WBCs tomorrow since my counts seems to be doubling every day.

Of course I wanted to be excited but I know we've barely begun to battle this disease.  And then today I learned my parole will only be for a week.  Followed by another 5 day chemo stint here at Banner starting my consolidation phase.  There had been a question as to whether that would be something MD Anderson would do or whether or not the clinic I'm transferred to for the stem cell transplant would.  Regardless, now we know.

The frustrating part for me is for a small window of time I would be feeling well and could enjoy spending a couple of hours after Jamie got out of school with both kids a couple of times a week.  Now I realize that, timing wise, I am likely to be just as sick for the Christmas Holiday even if I'm at home as I was for Thanksgiving and that's a huge bummer. But since the disease isn't planning to take any time off, I guess it would be silly of me to think I could.

I'm still decorating, though, dammit!

Am I On The Mend?

This is the 2nd day in a row that I've not been nauseated and felt like someone kicked me in the stomach.  What a blessing!  I'm even able to eat a lttle...

O Vanity, I Know RIGHT Where You Are

So over the last couple of weeks since chemo ended I've wondered when I would start to see the mass exodus of my "girlish locks".  The more time that passed, I began to hope I'd be one who wouldn't.  I couldn't have been more wrong.  My hair has been coming out in fistfulls the last 3 days.  Today, a friend is going to bring their Wahl trimmers over and cut the rest off.

I always thought I had decent hair, even if it was still stuck in the 80s much of the time.  So it's a huge part of myself that's going away.  I know it will grow back.  It doesn't define me, but it was a big part of who I thought I was.

So, knowing I'm planning to cut the rest off, I had a brief discussion with the kids (mostly Jamie) about how the next time they see me my hair was going to look more like Daddy's does.  And because I know how cruel kids can be I thought it a good opportunity to advise how I am going to feel about not having my hair and how I thought she should feel about it.  Because others will look at me differently.  And that might not be as easy to deal with as I think it will be.

"So, Jamie, when others look at me differently I won't feel embarrassed or ashamed that I don't have my hair  because I EARNED my health and my ability to keep that promise to you to try to live to 100 like I said.  If losing my hair was part of that path, it's worth it.  And I'm proud of it."

I am healing.  Hear me ROAR!

Crossing My Fingers, Toes, Etc.

Well, yesterday was the day of my 2nd bone marrow aspiration/biopsy.  Given that I'd already been through it once before I wasn't really worried about the procedure.  Sure, instead of Mary the Nurse Practitioner performing it it was my doctor.  How different could it possibly be?  The first procedure took about 15 min and the worst part was aspirating the fluid - which felt like it was being pulled from my toes and the closer to the surface of my lower back the more painful it got.  I had minimal bruising.  Little soreness. Not a bad experience.  Silly me.

I should have been much more afraid when my doctor said "when you understand the body, you don't need a drill to get to what you need."  Ugh.

It took the good doc ONE HOUR of inserting needles in my hip bones, sawing back and forth, before he finally got what he needed.  It was painful, draining, I have a HUGE hematoma where he did the aspiration/biopsy and I'm sore.  Still...if the results we learn on Tuesday are positive, it will have been worth it.

P.S.  The final results won't be in until Wednesday, but this morning the doc said he took a look at the aspirated fluid and saw NO blasts.  I pray to God he's right because that would be SOOOO awesome!

My Absolute Fave Holiday....My Absolute Worst Day

I LOVE Thanksgiving.  It's my favorite holiday.  It's so "homey."  It's a slice of heaven to be at home surrounded by loved ones as the smells of a roasting turkey and pumpkin pies waft throughout the house.  This year's was a nightmare.  Not only was I in the hospital looking out at a world I didn't belong to right now, but I just felt like crap.  By the time my temperature reached 103.6 the nurses started to pack me with ice.  All I wanted to do is sleep.

Next BMA/B Scheduled

My next bone marrow aspiration/biopsy has been scheduled for this Friday at 10:00.  Hope to have results by next Tuesday.

Call or Text Before Coming Up

Because I've been having more bad days than good I am now asking everyone to call or text me before coming up.  It's just easier that way and ensures I get the rest I need when I need it.

Up Bright and Early....

Felt pretty good.  Even good enough to eat.  Ordered oatmeal which resembled gruel more than anything and tasted like cardboard.  Choked about 1/2 of that down and a blueberry muffin.  And now I'm sitting here with another upset stomach.  May have to give the nurse the OK to give me the good nausea medication which will prolly knock me out for a few hours.

Might be worth it.

Yesterday Started Out Great...For the First 5 Minutes

I got up, got showered and then must have reached whatever the hemoglobin threshold is where I just cannot function.  I'd just gotten dressed when I hit that magic number and crashed.  I spent the rest of the day in bed, later being transfused another 2 units of red blood cells.  Felt like someone had punched me in the stomach much of the day.  Couldn't eat my breakfast but was able to eat a cheese quesadilla later in the day, around 4.  And then my stomach started to hurt again.  You get to the point where you feel like you can't win.  You may feel a desire to eat but with the knowledge that after the fact you're likely to feel like you've been punched it makes one hesitant to even want to bother.  But yet I still try.  

Nausea is the absolute worst thing about treatment.

Ugh.

Stem Cell Transplant for Acute Myeloid Leukemia

I was curious and thought I'd post what I'd learned about the SCT I will be undergoing in the near future...read on if you are interested as well.

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While very high doses of chemo drugs might work better to kill cancer cells, the damage to the bone marrow could be fatal. A stem cell transplant (SCT) offers a way for doctors to use high doses of chemo. The drugs destroy the patient's bone marrow, but the transplanted stem cells restore it.

Stem cells for a transplant come from either from the blood or from the bone marrow. Bone marrow transplants were more common in the past, but today peripheral blood stem cell transplant (PBSCT) is much more common.

There are 2 main types of stem cell transplants: allogeneic and autologous. The difference is the source of the blood-forming stem cells.

• An allogeneic transplant is the most common form of SCT used to treat acute leukemia. For this, the stem cells come from someone else -- a donor whose tissue is a close match to that of the patient's, often a brother or sister. Sometimes umbilical cord stem cells are used.
• In an autologous transplant, a patient's own stem cells are removed from his or her bone marrow or blood. They are frozen and stored while the person gets treatment with strong chemo and perhaps radiation. The stem cells are then given back to the patient after treatment.

There is a good reason to use stem cells from someone else for the transplant. These cells seem to help fight any remaining leukemia cells through an immune reaction. This is called a "graft-versus-leukemia" reaction and is explained below. Also, the patient’s own stem cells may contain some leukemia cells, even if they are collected when the leukemia is in remission.

The transplant process

The treatment works like this: stem cells are collected from the bloodstream in a process called apheresis. The cells are frozen and stored. Patients are then given very high doses of chemo to kill the cancer cells. They also may get total body radiation to kill any remaining cancer cells. After treatment, the stored stem cells are given to the patient as a blood transfusion. The stem cells settle into the patient's bone marrow over the next several days and start to grow and make new blood cells.

People who get a donor's stem cells are given drugs to prevent rejection as well as other medicines as needed to prevent infections. Usually within a couple of weeks after the stem cells are given they start making new white blood cells. Then they begin making platelets, and finally, red blood cells.

Patients having SCT have to be kept away from germs as much as possible until their white blood cell count is at a safe level. They stay in the hospital until the white cell count reaches a certain number, usually around 1,000. After they go home, they will be seen in the outpatient clinic almost every day for several weeks.

"Mini-transplant"

Most older patients can't have a regular transplant that uses high doses of chemo. Some may be able to have what is called a "mini-transplant" (also called a non-myeloablative transplant or reduced-intensity transplant), where they get lower doses of chemo and radiation that do not destroy the all cells in their bone marrow. They then are given the donor stem cells. These cells enter the body and form a new immune system, which sees the leukemia cells as foreign and attacks them (a "graft-versus-leukemia" effect). Many doctors still think this approach is experimental in AML. Studies are being done to find out how useful it may be against AML.

Some things to keep in mind

Stem cell transplantation is a complex treatment. If the doctors think that a person with leukemia might be helped by this treatment, it is important that it be done at a hospital where the staff has experience. Some transplant programs may not have experience in certain transplants, especially those from unrelated donors.

A stem cell transplant can cost more than $100,000 and may mean a long hospital stay. Because certain types of SCT may be seen as “experimental” by insurance companies, they might not pay for it. You should find out what your insurance will cover and what you might have to pay before deciding on a transplant.

Side effects of stem cell transplant

Side effects from stem cell transplantation can be divided into early and long-term effects. The early side effects are much the same as those caused by any other type of high-dose chemo. One of the most common and serious short-term effects is the greater risk of infection. Antibiotics are often given to try to prevent this. Other side effects, like low red blood cell and platelet counts, may mean the patient will need transfusions.

Long-term side effects: Some side effects can last for a long time and may not even happen until years after the transplant. These long-term side effects can include:

• Graft-versus-host disease (GVHD), which occurs only in a donor (allogeneic) transplant (see below)
• Radiation damage to the lungs, causing shortness of breath
• Damage to the ovaries causing infertility and the loss of menstrual periods (menopause)
• Damage to the thyroid gland that causes problems with changing food into energy
• Damage to the eye that can affect vision (cataracts)
• Bone damage (if damage is bad, the patient may need to have part of the bone and joint replaced)

Graft-versus-host disease (GVHD) is the main problem of a donor stem cell (allogeneic) transplant. It happens when the immune system of the patient is taken over by that of the donor. The donor immune system then starts to attack the patient's other tissues and organs. In severe cases, GVHD can be life-threatening.

Symptoms can include bad skin rashes with itching and severe diarrhea. The liver and lungs may also be damaged. The patient may also be very tired and have aching muscles. If bad enough, GVHD can be fatal. Drugs that weaken the immune system may be given to try to control it. The plus side of graft-versus-host disease is that the donor bone marrow usually kills any remaining leukemia cells. This is called the "graft-versus-leukemia" effect.

Fresh Air!

For the first time in almost 2 weeks I got to go outside yesterday.  So long as I wear a mask and gloves, and someone wheels me in a wheel chair, I am allowed to go outside to the meditation garden here at the hospital.  Even through the mask the air was "fresher" that the recycled variety I've been breathing the past 2 weeks.  The sound of the fountains, the breeze through the fountain grass and leaves on the trees;  it felt so good that I didn't mind the sound of traffic of on Higley and US 60 that tried to compete with the traquility of the garden in which I sat.  I watched as a garbage kitty took his chances trying to raid the sole garbage can in the area.  I was tempted to try to call the lil guy my way but then remembered there's a reason I have wear gloves and a mask when I leave my room.

Today, I'm looking forward to spending some time down there so I can soak up some Vitamin D.  That is going to feel so good.

Perspective

So after initially hearing the cytogenetic information from the doctor I went into full melt down.  Just being honest.  It's a lot to deal with when (even if I PLAN to kick AML's butt) I might not make it....I might not be here to watch my kids graduate high school and go on to college, get married, have the grandkids I started talking about the first day I brought Jamie home from the hospital.  I want to be here for all those things and more.  Their first heartbreak (I'll kick their arse!), their first dance, their first date.  I want to be there to celebrate their graduating college, buying their first house, buying their first car.

But right now I just want to be here for my kids a year from now and able to participate in their lives instead of a spectator.

Just When I Was Enjoying Feeling A Bit Better...

...el doctor paid me a visit and shared the results of my cytogenetics.  The news was both good and bad.  On the good side, genetically speaking, I am likely to respond very well to treatment.  Bodes well considering the Bone Marrow Biopsy scheduled for this Friday where we want blast cells at 0.  On the other hand, genetically speaking, I am more likely to relapse.  So the focus is now more on stem cell transplant than it was before.  I still have to finish this round of chemo, get into remission, and then will have to be transferred to another local (Stanford trained) doctor that works out of the Mayo Clinic doing stem cell transplants.  Not sure what the timeline looks like but once a suitable donor is found, it sounds like it takes a couple of months to complete.  MD Anderson Cancer Center here in Mesa is getting set up to be able to perform such a procedure but they're not there yet.  The option of spending two months in Houston away from my kids, family and other friends was unappealing to say the least.

I WILL FIGHT THIS.  I WILL TRY TO WIN THIS...first for myself, second for my Jamie and Max.

Thanks again, all, for your continued prayers and support over the last couple of weeks.  It's nice to not feel like I'm going through this alone.

D

Sleep, sleep and more sleep

Yesterday I had a feeling I was being watched and that was confirmed when one of my watchers said I'd been sleeping all day. It was 3:00 in the afternoon. Today I woke up close to 11.30. One morning the kitchen actually called to remind me I hadn't placed my breakfast order yet. I had no idea what the docs meant when then said I would be tired. I hadn't realized sleeping the days away was a reality. And yet I still feel uber tired. Time to sleep. Night night.

The Generosity of Others

I received a note of encouragement from one of the uber developers in HRIT the other day through Facebook. Though I did mot know her well, I tried to make a point of talking with every employee on the team. So this initial shout out goes to Pratiba Paul whose kind words out of no where had such an impact on me. Yesterday I was paid a visit by Mary Johnston. Also from Apollo. Several members of my old team presented me with a very generous gift on behalf of the team. Thanks to all that contributed. It was very nice of you all to do that. So THANK YOU.

Hurray Up And Wait

This is my first morning off chemo. Not feeling too good. Bottom of the wave for sure. Didnt sleep well. I am nauseous and want nothing to do with food right now. Top of my head feels likes its sunburnt. I am told thats "normal". Nurses are gping to start to restrict my visitors. How many and for how long. Today I am feeling overwhelmed. So I will go with it and figure it out. I know I am not alone in this but its pretty hard to not feel that way sometimes.

Less Than 12 Hours..,

...of this round of chemo. Then we wait 10 very long days to see if we've killed the life sucking and destroying, ahem, bastards. Oh God please let us be headed in the right direction...

Chemo Day 4 Has Arrived!

Boy I hope these treatments are doing what they're supposed to be doing.  I'm praying that in 10 days when we do the next bone marrow biopsy that the % of immature blasts is < 5.  That would make me so happy.  Then we would wait another 14 days and retest.  If the immature blasts continues to be <5%, then it's on to the consolidation phase....one more round of chemo then home to continue the rest of my treatment on an outpatient basis.

If we're not <5%, well its back to another round of chemo.

Thus far, the biggest side effects I'm seeing are being super tired and a depressed appetite.  But I've heard and read that side effects actually occur within a week to 2 weeks following chemo.  THAT'S when those games begin.  So, to my beloved family and friends, I will apologize in advance for any bad behavior, crankiness/bitchiness and/or desire to avoid all.  Remember this is going to be about me...not you...and my only job is to beat this disease.

And THANK YOU all for your continued support and prayers and kind words.  Your hugs, honesty, tears, and time mean the world to me and I hope one day to be able to repay your kindnesses.

Love you.

D

Just Let It Out

When I am around my kids I do my very best to not cry in front of them though it is very difficult and, truthfully, I suck at it.  I've received the same advice from numerous hospital staff  (who will cry with me), friends and family (who will also cry with me) to just go with the flow. If I feel like crying, then cry.  I won't wallow but I will cry.  Because in a way I have to grieve the former life I had...one where I was "healthy" and able to keep up with my kids and spend time with them and other family and friends.  Those are all things I enjoy.  Life 2.0...I'm not sure what it will be like for me but I am going to imagine it being one where my kids have to keep up with me some of the time because I'll have gotten my energy back.  Where I can clean like a madwoman around the house and not feel tired until the end of the day.  Be able to handle any amount of stress that comes my way without my heart wanting to jump out and make its presence known to everyone around me.  One where I can laugh and joke, run and play and continue to be surrounded by those I love and that love me back.

So, when I cry, when I let my feelings out, if it makes you feel uncomfortable I truly am sorry.  But it's something I need to do.  It's something my kids need to know is ok to do so long as you pick yourself right back up and continue on. 

If you ever feel overwhelmed and need to cry, just let it out.  You'll feel so much better!

"I Want To Come Home With You Momma"

This is my Max.  My little boy.  Momma's boy.  He so misses me, just like his sister, but not yet 5 doesn't quite understand why I'm not allowed to go home and why he's not allowed to have a sleep over with me. I'm glad he's at THIS point; the first time he saw me in the hospital he gave me a WIDE berth, wouldn't touch, hug or kiss me.  That hurt but I knew it's just that it's all very scary to him.  I'm hoping that how I've explained this to Jamie, along with the knowledge his dad, Nana, and Aunt Cathy have on the topic, will help him to better understand what's happening to me. 

"Momma, are you going to die?"

These words cut through my soul like none other.  My eight year old asked me this after I explained to her what's going on with me and why I cannot come home right now.  A long time ago I promised I would do everything I could to live to be a 100 years old before I died.  I still have 55 years to go so you better believe I'm going to do whatever it takes to keep as close to this promise as I can.  At the same time, being the parent I am, I don't like to lie to my kids.  So when she asked me this question I simply told her "Jamie, the doctors and I are working really hard to make sure that doesn't happen for a really, really, really long time." 

Chemo Day 3: State of the State

For the most part I feel just fine today.  A little tired.  Overly hydrated so now they have to use Lasik on me to get rid of the extra fluids.  I plan to read up more on my condition.  Not very hungry but better order SOMETHING before I get yelled at because I have to keep my strength up. 

This is pretty heavy stuff, for sure.  But I plan to keep my chin up and fight as hard as I can to beat this.  First for myself, secondarily for my babies...Jamie and Max. 

The Plan of Attack

Over the next 5 weeks I will be staying at Banner Gateway to receive treatment for the AML 

• "Induction;" the first phase of treatment.  4 days of chemotherapy (24 hrs/day); started the evening of 11/10

• Bone marrow biopsy 10 days following completion of chemo ~11/24
• If less than 5% blasts (the bad cells), we wait another 14 days to do another BMB
• If more then 5% blasts, more chemo
• If 2nd BMB still shows 5% or fewer blasts, we move on to "consolidation."
• Consolidation is another round of chemo; its intent is to kill thesmall number of leukemia cells that are still around but cannot be seen because there are so few of them.
• "Maintenance."  Getting a low dose of chemo drug for months or years after consolidation is finished.  Only used for a certain classification of AML, M3, which has the best prognosis of all the AML types.

    Me on day 1 of chemo, 11/10/2012. 

So, What Is Acute Myeloid Leukemia?

 "Acute" means that the leukemia can progress quickly and if not treated would probably be fatal in a few months.  AML starts in the bone marrow but in most cases moves quickly into the blood.  It can sometimes spread to other parts of the body including the lymph nodes, liver, spleen, central nervous system. 

The bone marrow is made up of a small number of blood stem cells, more mature blood-forming cells, fact cells, and supporting tissues that help cells grow.  Blood stem cells go through a series of changes to make new blood cells. During this process, the cells develop into either lymphocytes (a kind of white blood cell) or other blood-forming cells.  The other blood-forming cells can develop into red blood cells, white blood cels (other than lymphocytes), and platelets.

Red Blood Cells
These carry oxygen from the lungs to all other tissues in the body, and take carbon dioxide back to the lungs to be removed.  Anemia - having too few red blood cells in the body - typically causes a person to feel tired, weak, and short of breath because the body tissues are not getting enough oxygen.

Platelets
These are actually cell fragments made by a type of bone marrow cell called the megakaryocyte.   Platelets are important in plugging up holes in blood vessels caused by cuts or bruises.  A shortage of platelets is called thrombocytopenia. A person with thrombocytopenia may bleed and bruise easily.

White Blood Cells
These help the body fight infection.  Lymphocytes are one type of white blood cell.  Other types are granulocytes and monocytes.  Lymphocytes are the main cells that make up lymphoid tissue, a major part of the immune system.  Lyphoid tissue is found in lymph nodes, the thymus glad, the spleen, the tonsils and adenoids, and is scattered throughout the digestive and respiratory systems and bone marrow.

Most signs and symptoms of AML result from a shortage of normal blood cells, which happens when the leukemia cells crowd out the normal blood-making cells in the bone marrow. As a result, people do not have enough normal red blood cells, white blood cells and blood platelets.  These shortages show up on blood tests but can also cause symptoms such as Anemia, Leukopenia, and Thrombocytopenia.

Even With Only One and a Half Hours of Sleep...

...I was still feeling better than I had in weeks.  I had no idea anemia could have such an affect on a person's body.  Of course that's not all that was going on.  Around 4:00 in the afternoon on 11/8, Dr. Uwe Klueppelberg from the MD Anderson Cancer Center stopped by my room to ask me if anyone had been by to discuss any findings.  How he approached each of his questions with me alerted me immediately that something more serious was going on and I was about to find out just how badlythat was.

"We have to run some tests to confirm this, but I believe you have what's called Acute Myeloid Leukemia."

"Do I Have to Drink It Or What?"

Ok, seriously, I'm joking.  After getting into an ER room and they began the first of four units of whole blood I noticed an immediate change in how I felt.  The palpitations went away.  I wasn't shaky.  I could think more clearly.  Some of my color came back, and I didn't feel as tired.  Had not yet had the opportunity to test endurance since they kept me on the gurney.  They tested to see if I was bleeding internally.  Nope.  So....where was the blood going???

I was admitted to Banner Gateway that evening...Wednesday, November 7th.

"You Have 10 Minutes Before I Call The Cops"

As I pulled into my garage after my happy hour, a call from the same number came through.  When I answered there was a guy on the other line asking "Is this Dianne?"

"Yes it is."

"Where are you right now?"

"Who is this?"

"This is your doctor, Dr, Pete Coury, and I have been trying to phone you for hours."  He went on to briefly chastise me for the fact that both my home and cell phones voice mail were both full.  "How close are you to a hospital?"

"One mile."

"You have 10 minutes to get to the ER there; if you aren't there at that time, I'm calling the cops to bring you."

"What's going on?"

"Your hemogloban count should be above 12; yours is under 5.  I'm not sure how you're still functioning but this is very serious and cannot wait.  You have to get to the hospital to be transfused."

ALL RIGHTY THEN...off to the hospital I went.

Because I Don't Just Like Doing One Thing At A Time...

...I decided to develop an ear and gum infection over the same weekend.  I was down for the count, eating ibuprofin like candy, not eating (much to Dad's chagrin).  My visit to the dentist on Monday was interesting.  My teeth were chattering so hard they had a hard time examining my mouth.  They ended up using a lead vest to help warm me up.  They wrote me some scripts to help with the infection and told me to come back in a couple days for a more thorough examination and a cleaning.  Luckily there was no infection in my roots or bone.

Two days later, after seeing my primary care physician about all the other craziness I'd been feeling, getting a sizable blood draw, and having Adolph Eichman clean my teeth, I met a friend for a beer.  When we left, I noticed I'd missed 4 calls from the same number...one I did not know.  That was weird. 

The Day the Lights Didn't Go Out

On the weekend of 11/3, I'd been shopping.  I took my time to make sure I didn't overaggravate my system.  But I was exhausted, sweaty, my heart was palpitating and I was seeing stars by the time I got to the check out.  As I left the store, rather than constrict because of the additional light outside, they stayed   w i d e   open.  Everything was washed out.  I couldn't tell the difference between white, sky blue, silver, gold, gray.  I walked out in front of a car who, luckily could see me.  I'm not sure what color that car was but it was apparently part of spectrum I couldn't see.  Freaked out, I loaded my groceries - my hands so shaky I could barely grab them to put them into my car.  And of course my vision was wreaking havoc on me.  I got into the car and sat there with it running trying to decide what to do.  I couldn't see very well, my heart felt like it was burrowing out of my chest, and I was having trouble breathing. 

I did what "stubborn Dianne" would do...drive home.  Ok.  I did wait for the color spectrum to return and for the pounding of my heart to ease.  After dropping my stuff off at home, catching my breath for a few minutes, I met my Dad at an urgent care facility.  After about an hour and a half there, they sent me home with orders for labwork (to be fulfilled on Monday when they reopened) and a bottle of Meclizine for the dizziness.  Hm.

As a New "Stay At Home Mom..."

I began a routine of getting the kids up, taking my daughter to school in the morning, spending time with my son going over some of his preschool learning material, hopping onto the computer to look at available openings and even apply for some, then pick my daughter up and do something fun with the kids until dinner time.  I didn't realize initially that those walks from whatever room in my house to the garage began to make me feel breathless.  Until it felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest, that is.  I couldn't keep up with my kids.  I needed to rest more and it seemed like everyday it was just a little harder than the day prior to get up and going.  It got to the point where just taking a single load of wash from my bedroom to the washroom was so taxing I had to lay down afterward go give my heart a chance to stop palpitating.  Any additional stressor - the kids fighting, grocery shopping, cleaning any part of the house - only made things worse.  But like most typical moms, we just fight through things thinking this too will go away.  When my kids were with me I wanted them to have fun, go places like pumpkin patches and movies and Thorpe Park up in Flagstaff.  But things were not getting easier.

When I Was Laid Off...

...there was no fanfare.  Only my boss, who laid me of, the HR lady who was present, and the admin who helped me to box my effects up were aware.  At that moment in time that's the way I wanted it.  No crying. No anger.  I felt sort of relieved because the sword that had dangled above my head at that compay no longer did.  Though I now had to find another job - and I knew I would - I almost felt badly for those who were left behind to deal with the mess management hadn't quite figured out how to address.  I felt sad to leave the company after 22 years because I believed in why it had been established and its founder who is an amazing man even to this day.  I'd grown up there; they'd given me my education and countless opportunities.  I was fortunate to work with some of THE best leaders and staff there could ever be.  I won't ever forget it and the earlier days of my employment there will be the litmus by which future employer candidates will be judged.

It All Started...

...a few months ago when I started to notice that the 100 yard or so walk between the parking garage and my office building seemed to get harder.  By the time I'd reach the doors to the building my chest would feel tight, I was breathing heavy...I felt stressed.  I chalked the feeling up to the stress of the environment, the constant change in leadership, organization, processes, more processes, a lack of enjoyment in my purpose at the company, and the threat of looming layoffs that, though I hoped I'd survive another round, was no longer certain I would.  I no longer felt like a valued member of "the team" and taken with all other things mentioned above to say I was stressed would have been putting it lightly.

"You have Acute Myeloid Leukemia"

This is the sort of statement that has a tendency to change one's life. And it's on Thursday, November 8th that I heard a doctor at Banner Gateway hospital in Mesa, Arizona advise me of this.