Emotions

The interesting thing about the whole past year, is the emotions that you go through not only during the time that youare  fighting so hard for the right to live, but also the emotions that you have to go through once you've won that fight.

This time last year I felt horrible. I couldn't walk from one room to another without feeling like I was going to have a heart attack. But I'm a mom, and female, and I don't pity myself, so I just push. And in part I think that's why I got as sick as I did. But once I won my fight, there were a lot of things that I had to go through emotionally, that I chose not to go through last year when they were happening.

Last year, in the span of about two weeks, I was diagnosed and hospitalized and begun my treatment, I was laid off from my job of 23 years, and my husband filed for divorce. Even though we were already on the divorce track, it was still a lot to take in all at one time on top of everything else. But me being me, chose to deal with the most immediate concern which was being here for my children. So everything dealing with being unemployment, everything dealing with my husband all of those things, had to go on the back burner. I couldn't really think about them, I couldn't deal with them, I just focused on my fight to live. 

Now, however, I do have to deal with those feelings. I have to deal with anger and hurt and the betrayal that I feel towards some of the leadership at my former company. I have to deal with the timing and the conversations and the direction that I have chosen. And I have to deal with the fallout as it affects my children.  All on top of dealing with things like finding a new job, figuring out what I want to do short and long-term, and coming up to speed on the technologies so that I am the best employee my next employer is going to have. The unfortunate part is no matter how much I like my next job, that employer will never have the level of loyalty in me that Apollo had from me for 23 years. But I have a really good feeling about everything that's coming in the future. I have an idea of what I want to do long-term, and I know that IT and the money that I'm going to earn working in the IT field is going to get me where I want to be long-term, and it is going to be the kind of life that I want to live and the quality-of-life I want and I'm so excited.  But dealing with all that emotional crap, that sucks!